Yes, I know it has been a while since I had last written in my blog. But sometimes we are called to other things, places, people, and sometimes just to sit and listen to God. In the state of change we get zoned and focused, in my situation I lost all focus and my head filled up with....stuff. Things were flying here and there, everywhere, and I realized I wasn't performing my mission, I wasn't seeking Truth, I wasn't doing my role in my relationship, I was living in a "me, I, and my" world. I was living in the frame of mind I was born into and not in the spiritual life that was given to me.
I know this sounds 'off' for my typical rant or discussion but so many pinholes of light have become larger and the darkness has started to be nonexistant anymore. There are still those dark and weary corners of shadow, where evil slithers and waits to gobble me up. I have hidden in those corners many times throughout this past month if not longer, but I'm not sitting in them for more than just a few. I find myself now staring at those pinholes while in the dark wishing, wanting, and pushing myself to make the decision of getting up and walking to them. To follow Christ is a decision having to be made daily, hourly, every second. I had not been doing that. As much reading of the word, talking about the word, and presenting the word I seemed to be doing, I was not walking the word. I wasn't performing it, showing it, doing it. In turn my life fell down the rabbit hole, or as we, in the class of Christ Life Solutions like to say, I was in the weening pen.
Financials became what appeared to be impossible. I took on a third job where the hours were nothing of what I asked for, working almost full time on top of Dreamflier Studios and the art teaching. My body ached and felt sick, I was battling to quit smoking while still smoking (try to figure that one out), in denial of what I was adding to my relationship with Sterling and wondering why "he couldn't see" or why "I was the source of all the pain and problems when I knew it wasn't me", when in fact I had a great hand in all of it and then wondered, or as it had seemed at the time, it was too late to do anything about it. I didn't feel connected to Christ while I prayed. I said the words and new that I believed them, but my heart wasn't in it. I placed my priorities in the wrong order, I was angry and tired a lot, I just felt like I was tumbling trying to get everything done, trying to make it 'right', trying to fix this, trying, trying, and trying. EEeeerp! Wrong! The point is not to try, that is, not to try to do it alone, or think that you can do anything about what happens after you do the action. God is in charge, its about Him. Duh! I wasn't even painting! I did an aceo here, a sketch there, but nothing extrodinary, nothing that really spoke out to me, or through me.
My point of all this? When life gets overwhelming, and you find yourself racing out of breath just to reach that 'finish line', stop. I beg of you, stop! You will never be that perfect 10, you will never make it to the top because in the process we become what we have always been, zeros and nothing but dust. Greed, stress, anger, selfishness, etc. is the root of all evil, this we all know, but sometimes we loose sight of it and think "If I just stretch my hand out further...then I can ______." Your arm was made the length that it is, it won't get longer because you tell it to, right? If you stop you can breathe, if you can breathe you can hear, if you can hear then you know. When I stopped and just listened I knew that I was trying to be something I am not. I wanted to be the perfect 10 for Sterling but the harder I tried the worse it became...I will never be a perfect 10 for him, and that is great! What a burden to be lifted! I am who God made me to be and with Him I don't need to try to be a perfect 10! I wanted to be able to get all of my bills paid right on time and have a system for it all and control where all my money was going. Heh, throw that out of the window, its following God's system and where He wants it to go. Does this make sense? I suppose it doesn't matter if it does or not, because I know to some out there it does, and to some it doesn't.
After these realizations things flipped again, quickly. When all seemed lost with Sterling, he came and swept me off of my feet and light bulbs where going off, my heart opened and I felt Christ overwhelm me with warmth, love, and understanding, I began to understand my old structures and how to break them down, I quit smoking, I found rest, and I began to paint again. I broke down harder but they were more short lived and the answers came quicker and stronger, my quiet time with the Father became routine, and as I asked Sterling its like floating where every movement you make feels weightless and soft.
When we stop the things around us kind of stop. Or we realize that the world will not fall apart just because we take 5 minutes. In response to all of this, I painted this piece above and to the left. It is of Sterling (titled "Sterling") because of the inspiration he has given me through all of this. He has been the adventure I have riden through and the adventure Christ has used for me to come to Him and see Him. I am proud of him for all that he has done and for him still being here with me today, I am not an easy one to stay with, especially through these life changes of self. We as children of God are princes and princess of the King most High, we are warriors of Truth against evil, and I believe that Sterling is one of God's strongest because of the blessings given to him through his trials and adventures. He has become so focused and narrow that when I see and hear him, I feel, see, and hear Christ working. Without pressures, problems, discouragements, pain, and loss we can not persevere, and that is what we must do.
Must I go on? Not this morning, I'll save you of that. :P There are many questions I have had in the last year, but the main one for me has always been "who am I?" and "What am I here for?". I am a daughter, the warrior princess of God my Father, and I am to be a witness to His Truth and Promises. Some one recently told me that I am a painter of light, I pray that in some way the Lord has brought light to your life today.