Dec 10, 2006

Struggling with Sin

In a comment to the previous post, a woman by the name of Rachel pointed out scripture that I would be honored to share. It is in the book of Romans, chapter 7 verses 14 thru 25, titled "Struggling with Sin".

Paul writes
"The law is good, then. The trouble is not with the law but with me, because I am sold into slavery, with sin as my master. I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good. But I can't help myself, because it is sin inside me that makes me do these evil things.

I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't. When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. But if I am doing what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it.

It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God's law with all my heart. But there is another law at working within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, What a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin."

Amen to that!

Dec 5, 2006

Spiritual Warfare

Lets just get right down to it. I know there is more than what we see, ghosts, spirits, angels, demons, call them what you will. But how many others persue them, truly believe in them, acknowledge them when they think they are there, or even talk about them to others. It is all throughout the bible-- demons, casting them out, using Faith and Prayer as your weapon, the armor of God. So much is spoken in terms of war and battle.

Sometimes I get nitty gritty about these aspects, and sometimes I wonder how crazy I really am. But when it enters my life, I find myself not knowing what to do, afraid to say anything, and when I do say something....not sure why I said it. Because of the battle it is a struggle to know what the word of God is and what the word of satan is. Either way, I take a step back and wonder what I was thinking! Most likely because I wasn't doing it. :\ If it is the Lord, than praise be His name and what events He has taken into His own two hands. If it is satan, then Lord help me and release me of this burden.

There is a good amount of uncertainty, doubt, sadness, pain, failure, and defeat being felt....I have lost the battle it seems. Or did I? Or am I to fall so that it will glorify Him? I ask, and wonder, that when I receive I do not believe it could be Him out of expectation.

I am worn, I am sore, I am bleeding from the heart, I ask only for courage today, to stand up, look up, and praise your name. My head is throbing and and just can't think any more. Do I go on or do I let go? Do I cast out demons or think I'm crazy? Do I fight on, feeling like I'm the only one on the battlefield, or stop and wait.

Most of the time I do not understand why I do things I do. I know I'm crazy, blow things out of porportion, sensitive, and offensive, so I know a lot falls on my poor choices.....made on selfishness and pride. But in some situations, I'm so split apart as to what to do that I do feel like I'm going mad, like I'm riping apart, and the only thing I can do is call out His name and cry my eyes out. What am I to think of that? I literally feels like a battle going on in my body! My heart screaming and fight for all its worth, my head racing through thoughts of what to do...mostly bad but my heart jumps in and turns it around with all its strength. By the time its done and I've done an action in sheer hope that it did something progressive, I'm exhausted, swollen, numb, and staring out into space. After moments I then begin to panic if what I ended up doing was right and have little spirts of arguement with myself, but have to take a deep breath, look up, and know that its in God's hands no matter what and pray for everyone to be alirght, everyone safe, everyone loved, no matter what. The evil has used the most dearest of my heart against me, and it tore me down last night, it ripped me apart, and beat me up. But this morning, swollen, numb, and exhausted I stand, looking out the window at the new sunrise, breathe deep, and know that the Lord is with me. I pray, I write to Him, I pray for what happened last night, and I ask for courage for this day, to trust, to have faith, to love no matter what, and to forgive...


Am I crazy? I truly believe we are at war spiritually, there are thoughts, actions, and feelings I know are not my own. The more I learn, the more it becomes, growing. Thank the Lord for my commission work, it has given me an outlet for my battle. Thank you Sterling for through you I have seen the Lord's work. I love you.

Thank you Lord for your unfailing love and grace for my soul. Thank you for humming me to sleep, for holding me and patching my sores. I am ready for this day, I know to others I appear as a fool, crazy, "imaginative", and overboard. But I agree, I'm not meant to be popular, not even to those close to me because of my choices. He is number one, He is priority, He is my life. I'm afraid that hasn't settled completely for me yet. I don't know if He's the one I rely and depend on 100%, until then, I believe this battle will become harder, stronger, heh, but thats where the Lord becomes glorified. I can't help but smile now seeing that I am only in the weening pen, but even in the pen....we are tested.

Dec 2, 2006

In Thought

This morning, while finishing up my writing to the Lord like every morning, A.T. started to meow and I started to feel myself go deeper into the unpleasant thoughts from the night before. I rebuked in the name of Jesus any evil and demons surrounding me and my apartment. As I took a deep breath after doing so, A.T. came and laid on my desk infront of me, the cars on the street became quiet, and I could hear the wind rustling the leaves outside. The weight was lifted. I looked at my Bible so calmly sitting next to A.T. and just stared at it. All I could think of was "Wow, even the print wearing off of the front looks relic like." I got overwhelmed inside with the truth of what this book is. Not exactly what it is now, literally speaking...word for word...having been translated so many times, but what it means. I don't mean to sound like "Pppppft, its only a Bible." That is not what I am saying at all, but I believe for one to understand it one must also have a relationship with Christ and the Father. Like opening the book to the Neverending Story. If you believe, He will interact with you through the book, if you don't, you will scrutinize it, find the stories entertaining, or not understand them of Him at all. I pray that makes sense.

But the point I am getting at here is it's His word. I hold in my hand an ancient treasure, every hotel and motel room has one (or at least they used to). Whether you wanted one or not, there it was! Gold and diamonds right there at your finger tips, right there at your bedside, right there on a table and yet it is passed. It just blew me away.

I don't know about many others, and from what I have seen and heard maybe I'm just missing something, but I have a difficult time remembering scripture or memorizing it. While looking at the Bible I thought two things at once... "What do you want to say to me?" and "Where do I start to remember scripture?". I opened it up and right on the inside of the cover is scripture painted...I read it "Your word is a lamp for my feet and a light for my path" psalm 119:105. Huh. Interesting, kind of goes in hand with the last post. o.O "Start here." Love it when the heart talks don't you? I had to read it a few times but it clicked. Simple, about light, about my path, things that I seem to talk or write or paint about every day.

Your Word is a lamp for my feet and a light for my path.

I can just see the painting for this one. :)

Dec 1, 2006

Painter of Light

Yes, I know it has been a while since I had last written in my blog. But sometimes we are called to other things, places, people, and sometimes just to sit and listen to God. In the state of change we get zoned and focused, in my situation I lost all focus and my head filled up with....stuff. Things were flying here and there, everywhere, and I realized I wasn't performing my mission, I wasn't seeking Truth, I wasn't doing my role in my relationship, I was living in a "me, I, and my" world. I was living in the frame of mind I was born into and not in the spiritual life that was given to me.

I know this sounds 'off' for my typical rant or discussion but so many pinholes of light have become larger and the darkness has started to be nonexistant anymore. There are still those dark and weary corners of shadow, where evil slithers and waits to gobble me up. I have hidden in those corners many times throughout this past month if not longer, but I'm not sitting in them for more than just a few. I find myself now staring at those pinholes while in the dark wishing, wanting, and pushing myself to make the decision of getting up and walking to them. To follow Christ is a decision having to be made daily, hourly, every second. I had not been doing that. As much reading of the word, talking about the word, and presenting the word I seemed to be doing, I was not walking the word. I wasn't performing it, showing it, doing it. In turn my life fell down the rabbit hole, or as we, in the class of Christ Life Solutions like to say, I was in the weening pen.

Financials became what appeared to be impossible. I took on a third job where the hours were nothing of what I asked for, working almost full time on top of Dreamflier Studios and the art teaching. My body ached and felt sick, I was battling to quit smoking while still smoking (try to figure that one out), in denial of what I was adding to my relationship with Sterling and wondering why "he couldn't see" or why "I was the source of all the pain and problems when I knew it wasn't me", when in fact I had a great hand in all of it and then wondered, or as it had seemed at the time, it was too late to do anything about it. I didn't feel connected to Christ while I prayed. I said the words and new that I believed them, but my heart wasn't in it. I placed my priorities in the wrong order, I was angry and tired a lot, I just felt like I was tumbling trying to get everything done, trying to make it 'right', trying to fix this, trying, trying, and trying. EEeeerp! Wrong! The point is not to try, that is, not to try to do it alone, or think that you can do anything about what happens after you do the action. God is in charge, its about Him. Duh! I wasn't even painting! I did an aceo here, a sketch there, but nothing extrodinary, nothing that really spoke out to me, or through me.

My point of all this? When life gets overwhelming, and you find yourself racing out of breath just to reach that 'finish line', stop. I beg of you, stop! You will never be that perfect 10, you will never make it to the top because in the process we become what we have always been, zeros and nothing but dust. Greed, stress, anger, selfishness, etc. is the root of all evil, this we all know, but sometimes we loose sight of it and think "If I just stretch my hand out further...then I can ______." Your arm was made the length that it is, it won't get longer because you tell it to, right? If you stop you can breathe, if you can breathe you can hear, if you can hear then you know. When I stopped and just listened I knew that I was trying to be something I am not. I wanted to be the perfect 10 for Sterling but the harder I tried the worse it became...I will never be a perfect 10 for him, and that is great! What a burden to be lifted! I am who God made me to be and with Him I don't need to try to be a perfect 10! I wanted to be able to get all of my bills paid right on time and have a system for it all and control where all my money was going. Heh, throw that out of the window, its following God's system and where He wants it to go. Does this make sense? I suppose it doesn't matter if it does or not, because I know to some out there it does, and to some it doesn't.

After these realizations things flipped again, quickly. When all seemed lost with Sterling, he came and swept me off of my feet and light bulbs where going off, my heart opened and I felt Christ overwhelm me with warmth, love, and understanding, I began to understand my old structures and how to break them down, I quit smoking, I found rest, and I began to paint again. I broke down harder but they were more short lived and the answers came quicker and stronger, my quiet time with the Father became routine, and as I asked Sterling its like floating where every movement you make feels weightless and soft.

When we stop the things around us kind of stop. Or we realize that the world will not fall apart just because we take 5 minutes. In response to all of this, I painted this piece above and to the left. It is of Sterling (titled "Sterling") because of the inspiration he has given me through all of this. He has been the adventure I have riden through and the adventure Christ has used for me to come to Him and see Him. I am proud of him for all that he has done and for him still being here with me today, I am not an easy one to stay with, especially through these life changes of self. We as children of God are princes and princess of the King most High, we are warriors of Truth against evil, and I believe that Sterling is one of God's strongest because of the blessings given to him through his trials and adventures. He has become so focused and narrow that when I see and hear him, I feel, see, and hear Christ working. Without pressures, problems, discouragements, pain, and loss we can not persevere, and that is what we must do.

Must I go on? Not this morning, I'll save you of that. :P There are many questions I have had in the last year, but the main one for me has always been "who am I?" and "What am I here for?". I am a daughter, the warrior princess of God my Father, and I am to be a witness to His Truth and Promises. Some one recently told me that I am a painter of light, I pray that in some way the Lord has brought light to your life today.

Many Blessings.