Jul 29, 2007

In His arms...

Today is what I call a numb day. Kind of in a daze, not really interested in whats going on around me, and really I've been caught up in my own guilt for recent events and trying so hard to keep my focus on the Lord.

This afternoon I laid down to nap and this picture, no...a feeling, came to my mind. So I got up, put some tunes on, laid back down onto the bed and drew. Afterwards I stared at it and truly imagined being in His arms, being comforted by Him, and told that He loves me. It didn't necessarily change my mood, but it helped remind me of His presence here with me and in me.

Jul 27, 2007

Mind and Site

So like I said, I've been working on my site now for almost a month (I think its related to keeping my mind off of personal emotions. o.O), and after I uploaded it I found out that 90% of my "add to cart" buttons weren't working! O.O And I forgot a lot of little things. So many little things...they always catch up with you and poke at your back. Um...yeah....sooooooo......the site is going to take longer than expected. Its all uploaded so if you come across a link that doesn't work, heh, I know. This site is monsterous and my wrists are starting to get very sore, BUT, I will not give up!!!

Everything is coming down on me all at once, work, emotions, fears, worries, friends, family, doubt, self pity, etc. And in my studies this morning it reminded me that all of these things consume us. Worry, which is the base of it all, consumes us. The devotional led me to a verse in Proverbs which just made me smile because, well, it was so simple and so wise (duh!).

"An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up." Proverbs 12:25

And then to these verses in Psalms, and we all love Psalms, well, I do, because its the book to me that is so full of human emotion, cry outs, frustration, and weakness. Confession. God bless David for it too! A king of human kings, and yet knows his profile against God's. Wow.

Anyways the verses are:

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?" Psalms 56:3-4

I slept in today, groggy right now, have less than 2 hours before work, and maybe one hour after before I got out to dinner with my mom and sisters. Not much time to devote to work. But with what the Lord has said to me today, thats okay. The site will come together eventually, and hopefully you have patience with me to get it done. I'm hoping for next week. ;) It would be nice to be done with it and get on with other things.

As for other sutto commitments (being drawing a day, ebay auctions every week, etc)....um.....yeah.....bear with me. For those of you who know me, this is a trouble spot and I'm walking as straight as I can to keep things where they go and when they need to be done. Yet alas, every time I do something steps in (humm...I wonder...) and it all goes array.

Can't say I'm bored tho! :)

Many blessings today.

Jul 24, 2007

A thought & ramble

My father is on a trip right now, alone, for 17 days. He's making several "travel" stops, while also visiting family and a few main events (conference, belly dancing superstars). And while traveling he's been sending us photos. Here is last night's sunset in Portland, OR. I just finished my morning study which was about suffering and restoring. When I look at this photo I first think of God's artistry. Man, what beauty! Secondly I think of His mercy and grace. Each new day is woken with His mercy renewed.

The month of June up to present has been major struggle and suffering of my heart. I have slipped back into old pits, given in to temptations (curiosity really does bite you in the butt sometimes!), and cried my heart out fearing I have lost! Yet His hand comes down the pit's roof and offers me a lift, reminds me of who I am, that I am loved, that this suffering and sadness will leave soon enough, and God has a plan. He has a plan for me.

I have been sitting in this chair for almost two weeks now working on my site. Heh, and after loading everything discovered I will have to load everything again. But alas, its moving. Once its "there" pray for me that I stay focused on His purpose for my life, and that my work, site, and business reflects Him and His love. :)

Jul 11, 2007

Fat Cat Opera

Once again this morning I was woken up by A.T.'s obnoxious meow at 4:45am! She drives me absolutely insane. If you've followed me for a while you are well aware of this cat. I have done many things, tons of things it feels like, and nothing subdues her. SOOOooooooo........

As usual I got up practically yelling at her "What?! What do you want from me?!" and got up cranky and annoyed. I tried to start my day as usual, all the while having thoughts in my head like "Wow, and you wonder why, God entrusts this cat to you and all you do is yell at her, annoyed by her, and don't take much time into her...except to shut her up!". I tried to take a deep breath and start my bible study and began to read. I found myself reading loud and angered just to get above her high pitched, loud, incredibly broken record meow. Finally the book had to be set down. Heh, and I googled "what to do when my cat meows all the time for no reason?" Because thats what it seems like. I talk to her, feed her, give her attention (but then she bites me), play with her, even let her out and we go for walks! But nothing seems to satisfy her. I was surprised by the answer God gave me.

Here's what I found on some forums (mainly animal shelters, animal rights pages, and Flickr):

"Some cats just love to communicate. It is possible that she misses another cat - my kitten used to mieow a lot when I first got him, because he was always looking for his mother and sister. Now he just informs me of things. Or he expresses his irritation of a fly / spider is too high for him to reach... "

". . . sometimes they just need to make a noise!"

"I asked the vet-it is just the way she is...she wants and NEEDS attention!"

"Well it would seem the most likely cause is that she's just very, very vocal. She likes talking to you and telling you all about things. So if she's happy and healthy, she's just letting you know. :)"

"unless you learn to speak cat, you will never know. And how do you know its for no reason? maybe your cat is a right old gossip?"

Bottom line, I have a blabbermouth for a cat. :/ When I think about it, it makes sense...not only because I'm a blabbermouth, but in the morning and at night when I'm doing the most work and the most moving around the apartment she's talking. Unfortunately for her those are the hours I have the least patience. So it looks like I have some MAJOR adjusting to do....because if you have a cat yourself, you know there is no way to change or control your cat.

I thought this was great, I don't know who wrote it but I found it on the forum post on Flickr and wanted to share. To you who wrote it, this sounds like so many cats I know!

~Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:~

Day 683 of my captivity:

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of
escape. In an attempt to disgust them; I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it
clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However,
I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what
this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
seems to be more than willing to return! He is obviously retarded!

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell,
so he is safe...
for now...

Jul 10, 2007

Drawing a Day - An Offering

"Draw close to God, and God will draw close to you." James 4:8a

Focus for yesterday in study was "I'm as close to God as I choose to be." and what choices I could make throughout the day that would bring me closer to Him. So I painted going to Him and of course, offering Him gifts (praise, worship, love, honesty, faith..etc).

This work was also created differently than usual...which I have a feeling may be more often than not in the near future. I just started with a black pen and started to doodle. Nothing was drawn with pencil first, all just spur of the moment line. Then when it came to color I just played with reds and blues not caring where they really ended up (inside lines or out). When I left and came back the watercolor just blew me away...it wasn't what I thought I put down. God was very much involved with this piece and I like it that way. The paint is very loose, not too concerned about staying the lines, not too concerned about if the fairy looks right or not.

The purpose of the piece is to tell a story, to fuel an emotion that is directed to the LORD, and to "Draw close to God...".

The Offering

On eBay...visit the auction HERE

Jul 8, 2007

A journey...

The LORD is pleased with those who worship him and trust his love.
Psalm 147:11

I have been distant, non verbal, and have painted very little in the last month. The reason being several.

My best friend, Brittany, moved at the end of June to Tennessee, in which a lot of the month was spending time with the other girls planning a large luau for her going away party. But also in the process it was adjusting to yet another change in my life...just recently loosing my grandmother to the LORD (praise be to Him!). At her garage sale I picked up a book that I have been waiting to grab for some time now..."The Purpose Driven Life". This book, quite possibly, is the biggest challenge for me yet. Its not in a group setting, its all within my choice to study, follow, and continue. It asks questions, gives key verses (like the one above), and points to ponder.

I came to a point in the book where it asks "What area of my life am I holding back from God?" I spent several days, possibly over a week, pondering this question. Then I re-looked at a previous chapter where it discusses how life is a test and a trust. I knew the answer and then I was asked to have faith, trust, and honor for my God. Since God knows what is best, in what areas of my life do I need to trust him most? (purpose driven life) Just yesterday I did something I didn't want to do, but needed to do. Yesterday I had a choice to make between my flesh and God. I think the biggest test in my walk to date. I chose God over the man I love.

But now I have more strength "...which comes from faith in God." (Zechariah 12:5).

I pray to get back into work this month and focus, but with a change of motive, or yet...a stronger desire to do it directly for Christ Jesus.

I also pray all of you are doing well and will enjoy this walk with me, maybe get something...faith, love, joy, hope, and His grace, out of the days ahead. May the LORD bless you today.