Feb 15, 2009

Sarcasm at its Best

My mom sent me an email with this attached...and after I read it I thought "How true is that!". It baffles my mind when I think about the kind of people we have generally become in this country. And I think that daily. Granted no, I don't want to get sick, and I do take precautions, but to live with this going through your head every day, it's exhausting!

Enjoy. :)

I just want to thank all my friends and loved ones for the educational
emails over the past year...

Because of your warnings I live in a zip-lock
plastic bag with clean oxygen piped in after passing through 18 filters
which are replaced each hour.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a
paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the
last person was doing while flipping through the channels.

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon
peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of
a public bathroom.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program .

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al
Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my ass.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a rapist waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened
to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's beautician..

Have a wonderful day...


Candace Trew Camling said...

bah... ha ha ha ha ha

Dawn Obrecht said...

That's about right. ROFLMAO!! Love it!!!

Flor Larios Art said...

Great LOL!
Happy Valentine's Day to you too...a little late :)

ps. Come to my blog I am having an art box giveaway, see you there!
If you pass this message to 4,000 in 2 minutes you'll win....