Starting Where I Left Off

Self Portrait - Pen - Journal 2012

I can almost remember every detail of moving my social life from Lost Souls Cafe a small place for teens in a quiet neighborhood, to Java Joe's, an urban downtown cafe. Lost Souls Cafe was forced to close because of it's nature...at least that's how we saw it and believed.

Java's presented something entirely different, it was full of young adults...either in college life or searching for "the" life. I was pretty vulnerable at this time. It was different than a bunch of kids trying to discover themselves. I think this is when my identity development halted. It's now been fifteen years.

I'm now, today, presented with this question of who I am. I'm not sure actually. I can't hold friendships because I abuse relationships, and I can't keep a hold of my own thoughts and emotions which just blurt out whenever. I adjust who I am and mold myself according to my surroundings and circumstances. Believe me, you run out of coping mechanisms living this way. Thankfully, I've been woken up from this sleepwalking!

So I'm starting where I left off...a coffee shop...I repeat...15 years later. But I hope I'm sitting here with some more wisdom, and even more so, hopefully with Jesus now at my side. I'm at Smokey Row, a very alive, vivid, and wonderful atmosphere of a coffee shop. It's not downtown or tucked away from the rest of the world. It's at an intersection near the freeway. A very open, airy place. I'm exposed...this is good.

Self Portrait - Colored Pencil & Ink - Journal 2012

These aren't the same people from 15 years ago, the age range is very large...more 30 somethings and older than college aged. I'm encouraged and feel as though, in some way, I can remain me. And when the college young adults do sit next to me, I relax in knowing I am the adult.

What are my expectations from starting where I left off? I'm not entirely sure. I'm not sure of anything other than I must change my patterns, behaviors, and out look on life. If I don't I will be dead and empty, because I truly believe I was created for relationships. Without them...what else is there?

I'm writing and sharing this because I believe it's important to show that you are not alone. As an artist I live very much in my own world, wrapped up in lies I've come to believe about myself and those around me. I believe it's important to take responsibility for it, but to also reach out and share it. I've never done well to hold my tongue, perhaps I'll learn it, but until then, there's healing in sharing.

To show my art off and sell it is one thing, but to define it as I grow...as it grows with me...to share the artist behind the art and why it's created, well....I don't know about you, but I'm hooked already.