Lets just get right down to it. I know there is more than what we see, ghosts, spirits, angels, demons, call them what you will. But how many others persue them, truly believe in them, acknowledge them when they think they are there, or even talk about them to others. It is all throughout the bible-- demons, casting them out, using Faith and Prayer as your weapon, the armor of God. So much is spoken in terms of war and battle.
Sometimes I get nitty gritty about these aspects, and sometimes I wonder how crazy I really am. But when it enters my life, I find myself not knowing what to do, afraid to say anything, and when I do say something....not sure why I said it. Because of the battle it is a struggle to know what the word of God is and what the word of satan is. Either way, I take a step back and wonder what I was thinking! Most likely because I wasn't doing it. :\ If it is the Lord, than praise be His name and what events He has taken into His own two hands. If it is satan, then Lord help me and release me of this burden.
There is a good amount of uncertainty, doubt, sadness, pain, failure, and defeat being felt....I have lost the battle it seems. Or did I? Or am I to fall so that it will glorify Him? I ask, and wonder, that when I receive I do not believe it could be Him out of expectation.
I am worn, I am sore, I am bleeding from the heart, I ask only for courage today, to stand up, look up, and praise your name. My head is throbing and and just can't think any more. Do I go on or do I let go? Do I cast out demons or think I'm crazy? Do I fight on, feeling like I'm the only one on the battlefield, or stop and wait.
Most of the time I do not understand why I do things I do. I know I'm crazy, blow things out of porportion, sensitive, and offensive, so I know a lot falls on my poor choices.....made on selfishness and pride. But in some situations, I'm so split apart as to what to do that I do feel like I'm going mad, like I'm riping apart, and the only thing I can do is call out His name and cry my eyes out. What am I to think of that? I literally feels like a battle going on in my body! My heart screaming and fight for all its worth, my head racing through thoughts of what to do...mostly bad but my heart jumps in and turns it around with all its strength. By the time its done and I've done an action in sheer hope that it did something progressive, I'm exhausted, swollen, numb, and staring out into space. After moments I then begin to panic if what I ended up doing was right and have little spirts of arguement with myself, but have to take a deep breath, look up, and know that its in God's hands no matter what and pray for everyone to be alirght, everyone safe, everyone loved, no matter what. The evil has used the most dearest of my heart against me, and it tore me down last night, it ripped me apart, and beat me up. But this morning, swollen, numb, and exhausted I stand, looking out the window at the new sunrise, breathe deep, and know that the Lord is with me. I pray, I write to Him, I pray for what happened last night, and I ask for courage for this day, to trust, to have faith, to love no matter what, and to forgive...
Am I crazy? I truly believe we are at war spiritually, there are thoughts, actions, and feelings I know are not my own. The more I learn, the more it becomes, growing. Thank the Lord for my commission work, it has given me an outlet for my battle. Thank you Sterling for through you I have seen the Lord's work. I love you.
Thank you Lord for your unfailing love and grace for my soul. Thank you for humming me to sleep, for holding me and patching my sores. I am ready for this day, I know to others I appear as a fool, crazy, "imaginative", and overboard. But I agree, I'm not meant to be popular, not even to those close to me because of my choices. He is number one, He is priority, He is my life. I'm afraid that hasn't settled completely for me yet. I don't know if He's the one I rely and depend on 100%, until then, I believe this battle will become harder, stronger, heh, but thats where the Lord becomes glorified. I can't help but smile now seeing that I am only in the weening pen, but even in the pen....we are tested.